Wednesday, October 5, 2011
Age, growing up and what we call... wisdom
I can't put my finger on when life got complicated. Where imagination is taken over by schedules and to do lists. Where your parents went from being invincible to having heart attacks and being human. Where your first born baby girl turns 18. Where you become excited about a new vacuums VS a new barbie. When exactly does all of this start or happen?
I thought about it last night. I was sitting in my moms hospital room visiting her with my husband and my dad. She looks great. She doesn't 'look' sick. She doesn't 'look' like she just had a heart attack. But she was hooked up to an IV pump and in a hospital gown and her hair looked like she had been in a hospital bed for the last two days. If you are reading this mom I love you and there is a reason I am telling the world that your hair looked.... ummm slept on. The reason is I realized last night that I have never seen you not be the 'care giver'. I NEVER in my years of my memory serving me remember you being 'in' the hospital. It was a wake up call for sure. You take for granted what is in front of you everyday. You just assume it is going to be there tomorrow and next week.
I feel like I am a good parent. There are times I question that statement but all in all I think I am fair. However for the first time ever I didn't know 'how' to be a mom. Yesterday I wanted to tell my kids about my mom, they should know because that is their Grandma, however I wanted to protect them from the scared, uneasy fear I was feeling myself with it being my mom. I couldn't say she was fine... I didn't know yet. I couldn't say she is going to be fine because I didn't know that either. I couldn't even use my faith as an example because it was rocky. I couldn't say Grandma is going to be fine she has great doctors and nurses taking care of her because they would see me well up and start bawling, knowing I was unsure of what I was telling them. I knew if I couldn't hold it together they would doubt my words and worry. So I didn't tell them anything. For a while.
I tried to act all day like I was fine.
I was a nervous wreck.
Which takes me to my sister.
Lori has always had the nick name grandma in our family because she worries about EVERYTHING... if you are out to late... why.
If you are not answering your phone. Why. If you didn't tell her you had plans and you are not home, why. Forget the fact that you are a grown damn adult. You need (especially if you are my parents) to tell Lori where you are or where you are going at ALL times or you are going to deal with the wrath of Lori.
I have always (secretly) feared the day something happens to either on of my parents. I'm sure everyone knows exactly what I mean. The thought alone can bring me to tears. But I always imagined Lori would be the one to struggle the worst. Not that David or I wouldn't, just that is how I always imagined it. But she blew me away the last few days. She has been calm, and informative. I tried to call her instead of my dad because I can't imagine my dads place in all of this. I think since she was put on the spot to do all the updates it kept her in a positive place. She amazes me... I see a lot of my mom in her. Strong willed, determined (she complaints about my moms busy schedule but fails to see hers is NOOOOO different). Which makes me giggle. Basically I just was shocked by my little sisters very adult way of handling stress.
I guess where I am going in all of this is yesterday was a wake up day for me.
My mom is human. She gets sick and has a body that wears out like the rest of us.
My dad who was a cop and had this "protecting, strong, brave, invincible, catch the bad guy.. man" is human and worries.
My sister who will always be little and needing my help in my mind was very independent and a individual leader.
My brother all of the sudden is not a little kid. He has a job and a family and I'm not quite sure when that happened.
So I decided to tell my kids.
My kids received scary news, handled it well and asked questions that amazed me. Good questions. Questions they had because I decided to not shield them from examples that life is short and to love every possible minute.
Guess that comes from age, growing up and what is the wisdom we hear everyone say we get when we get older.