Sunday, February 27, 2011

Missing two people still.

I remember the sunshine back then. It felt different than now. Their white split rail fence. Their grass looked more green than any of the neighbors. Her cooking was amazing. His imagination was like no other. They loved each other. It was one of the two best marriages I knew. He helped her every night do the dishes. She'd wash, He'd dry. He would turn up the music on the radio when they were done and dance with each other in the kitchen. I think that is where I got my love for dancing and romantic gestures. He cut the grass, she cleaned the house. He knew everyone, she had many girl friends. They loved wine. They loved cruises. They loved Hawaii. Jerry loved Alaska.

I guess where this is going is the sun felt warm on my face standing in the driveway the other day. I stood there for a second thinking that I had slowed for a second, enough to feel the sun. The warm sun is something you don't usually feel in February. It instantly made me sad.. I was instantly reminded that the last time I felt sun on my face (noticeably) was standing outside the church after Nita's funeral. The warmer weather for sure makes me think of her because we always bought flowers together and planted them together in the spring.

Two amazing people. I know I have blogged about them before. I just can't let go. He would have been 101 this year. I think his death was hard to take but easier to accept. I was still able to be in his house after he died. With her. Taking care of his wife. Seeing his things, smelling his smells. His smells is what got me on this blog tonight. Nita gave Connor one of Jerry's bottles of Safari (cologne). Tonight Connor had sprayed some up in the air wondering what it smelt like. Instantly I lost it. I didn't know what Connor had done, I just instantly recognized the smell. How the smell of something can take us back to someone or a memory is so odd to me. I think Nita's death is harder because there is nothing now. No house to go to, none of her things to still see. I see why she wanted me to take certain things near the end. I see why she went crazy on my kids before she went... She didn't need to, we wouldn't have ever forgotten her. Ever.

I went to the cemetery today. Cleaned their headstone. Left flowers. Yes, again, yellow. All I can think of are her blue eyes that she opened for me the day before she died when she didn't open them for anyone else. And his hands. How tired and old they looked. He has been dead for twelve years, and she has almost been gone for one already. Someone said this will get easier.... it hasn't yet. I love you Nita and Jerry. I miss you both so very much.

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