Relationships ARE HARD. They are so hard. I think it is so easy for everyone to quit. Divorce is an option to everyone. I have the freinds that will never get married. I have the friends that have been married forever. I have the friends that have been married and divorced several times. I even have the friends that have been married several times and divorced several times and now live with a man and are not going to get marrried because they feel that they have 'been there done that'.
Me myself have been married twice and hope to be married forever this time. But as we all know marriage is hard. Crazy hard. We all know that relationships are not always sunshine and butterflies... yeah, sometimes it is just mud and tornados. The mud covers the sunshine and the tornados rip the butterfly wings clean off their fradgle bodies.
We had a BIG fight Sunday. BIG. Infact I don't think we have ever had a 'fight' THAT big. Mean things were said... and continued to be said (on both sides). It just kept going.... for NO reason other than to keep inflicting pain on that other person. I pulled my mother's famous move the IGNORE button. Which for me is MAJOR because I never shut up. He pulled out that button pusher of foul language (which makes me nuts) which is why he does it... When we went to bed I laid there. Thinking. How dumb. We weren't even mad about what had ORIGINALLY happened. Well kinda I was mad about that. BUT we were PISSED over all the dumb ass drama that occured from that point. Satan found the key to our front door. He had walked right into our marriage. He was almost even welcomed in. When did we begin to allow that? I said mean things to my husband and threw back at him EVERYTHING from his past (like us women do so well sadly) and he threw my religous beliefs in my face which he knew don't mess with MY God. He KNOWS that is my point of heart break. At that moment I broke. This has gotten so low and so ugly and so mean that you are now throwing God into it? That is when I heard God. I mean it... I heard him. He said 'walk away and let it go'.
I always thought it was crazy people saying they 'heard God'. Like what? His voice? Do you actually 'hear' someone talking to you? I think if I heard someone just out of nowhere just start speaking to me I would FREAK out. But it wasn't like that. It was just a KNOWING of what I needed to do. No question. No doubt. No voice. Just a knowing of what at that moment needed to be done. At that moment... Nothing else came from my husbands lips either. NOTHING. I SOOOOO wanted to yell out 'OH GOOD JOB YOU PISSED OFF THE BIG GUY UPSTAIRS' BUT I DIDN'T.... I KNEW NOT TO!
Through out the day he was doing things that would annoy me. I just keep feeling that demand to stay quiet. A few hours later my hubby said, 'WOULD YOU JUST SAY SOMETHING.... YOU ARE FREAKING ME OUT!'
That voice just reminded me NOT YET.
I could see the worry in my hubby's eyes.
I was still mad but could tell I was cooling off.
At this moment (yet again) I debated spending the money we really don't have on a copy of the book LOVE and WAR that McKmama has been talking about lately on her blog. What has happened to our communication skills? When did we give a key to our home to Satan himself? I don't want to be talked to like that. I certainly don't want to become the kind of person who thinks the way I was thinking about my husband. I most CERTAINLY do NOT want my children being raised in a home that there is arguing and ignoring occurring. I DO NOT WANT MY CHILDREN BEING RAISED IN A HOME WHERE SATAN COMES AND GOES AND HE PLEASES. I know I must sound crazy BUT I know how I felt. I remained quiet all day. We went to bed and it was like there was a steel sheet of metal to the ceiling between us. I heard God say 'OK... NOW'.
'YOU REALLY HURT ME WITH YOUR GOD COMMENT.' I said,
HE SAID, 'I KNOW I REALIZED THAT, AND I'M SORRY.'
AND FROM THERE THE CONVERSATION CONTINUED. AND CONTINUED. AND CONTINUED UNTIL MY BIG TOE TOUCHED HIS. I'm still mad. but I am learning to let the little things go. It is JUST SO HARD SOMETIMES!!!
Have you ever been there? Where you just break and give in to an issue because you 'heard' that you should. Where you just hit a point that it flat out isn't worth the argument? I'm just wondering...