Monday, June 1, 2009

How do you give it to God? (Tell me if I am a horrible wife)

So my husband is in a band. A band that "was" before we "were". I don't know why my wording has to be so weird, sorry. The band came before me. I knew of the band before we got married. I know when you marry someone you support their interests, goals and so on. I get it. To put all of this in perspective let me start from the beginning. When I met Steve him and his band would just "practice" or goof off playing once a week. Cool. Have fun honey. Well they had one show and that is it. Gone. Crazy. Shirts, CD's, Labels, Can you travel?, do you have a manager, Talk of Labels started. I am talking CRAZY!!! Ok IF (and this is still a BIG if) your husband was in a christian band maybe this wouldn't be so bothersome. I need to know if I am selfish. This is a heavy metal band. My husband doesn't do drugs and he SOMETIMES has a beer you know at a BBQ or christmas party or whatever. But his band members do. It is four in the morning right now so I hope you are following me here (meaning I hope I am making some kind of sense). So with this band comes a lot of other issues, not necessarily with my husband, but what he is exposed to. He is exposed to what I want my kids to have NOTHING to do with. He used to (before me) have issues with drinking we have been married for five years and dated for two before that and this was BEFORE ME. When he was younger (twenty years ago he did have drug problems). I am so proud of him for turning his life around. Now me (sooooo not bragging) am a cops daughter and NEVER did ANY drug. I swear. Nothing. I am just scared. He mentioned that they want their band to do a show in Nebraska. He tried to convince me that Nebraska is close. It would be short. I just (and yes I feel like a piece of ----) because I kinda yelled, "I DIDN"T GET MARRIED TO BE ALONE, YOU ARE GONNA RUN OFF AND PLAY ROCK STAR AND EXPECT ME TO STAY HOME AND TAKE CARE OF OUR KIDS WHILE YOU GO RUN AROUND PLAYING WITH A BUNCH OF GUYS WHO'S MUSIC SOUNDS LIKE NOISE. NOT TO MENTION IT WON'T PAY OUR BILLS! He then yelled back, "THIS WAS ME BEFORE YOU, THIS IS PART OF WHAT YOU MARRIED."

I just really feel like one close nebraska show will turn into east coast tours. I want a husband, I want my kids to have their dad. Here. Please, please tell me if I am being selfish. I really, really don't feel like there is a way to meet in the middle. I don't like what comes with it. Drugs. Alcohol, and drunk ICKY women taking pictures and trying to meet your husband. Advise so needed. To hammer my point into the ground, why am I typing at 4 in the morning? Oh yeah, that would be because they had a show downtown last night, and they CRASHED (his words) at one of the SINGLE band members houses because they had a couple beers after the show when they got there, and they didn't want to CHANCE driving. Safe? yeah. Stupid? yeah. THIS IS WHAT I AM &^%$$#$ talking about. My heart is starting to crack. My life is on this thin, thin wire, what would you do? I just pray, pray, pray.... I can't seem just to give it to God. I can't just stop thinking about it.

I have NO idea how many mistakes this has or if it even makes sense at this point I am to tired to check it right now.... forgive me. I'll cross my fingers for no spelling errors, and that it makes a little sense.

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