Morgan still isn't home. My cursor just blinks waiting for me to type more. Blank. Empty. Hurt. Useless. Numb.
Steve and I are good. Our marriage seems to be good. Saturday was our five year anniversary. My marriage to him is way different than it was with my ex. I really FEEL loved now. It is two sided. It is a joint effort. I feel like with my ex (Patrick) it was very one sided. I feel like I gave 150%, and he gave nothing. I was young though. I was 17, I didn't know what I wanted. I thought I did. I keep reminding myself of that when I think of Morgan. But she is 15. I know two years doesn't sound like a lot, but I think you do a LOT of growing from 15 to 17.
Jaidyn was soooo cute tonight riding her big wheel. She wears her little helmet and goes flying down the driveway and turns just in time in this skid like motion to go flying down the sidewalk. It was so cute because I was watering. And the sprinkler would drop water across the sidewalk where she was riding and get her wet as it would quickly change directions. She would just ride through it. What was so cute though was she came to a dead stop and got off her big wheel. She bent over and picked up a rollie pollie that she almost had big wheeled over. Please picture a four year old standing in her bike helmet holding a rollie pollie, while the water is coming at her again and again soaking her. All the while, all she is doing is shifting her hands to extend the walking surface for this rollie pollie. I turned off the water after she was soaked and giggled to myself that she didn't even notice. She just walked up the driveway to the flower bed and put the rollie pollie into the flower bed telling him to stay off the sidewalk or she would accidentally skwoosh him with her big wheel. It made a great lesson, I told her that it was the same that a car would skwoosh her in the street like she would a rollie pollie on the sidewalk. I think for once not going in the street made sense to her. She is such a tom boy. Big wheels and bugs. No pink. No pony tails or barrettes. There will be absolutely in any circumstance NO DRESSES. I found the cutest sun dress and I didn't even say anything. I just held it out and looked at it. I didn't even hold it out in her direction, and she sharply and quickly said, I am NOT wearing that. When I asked why she just said, I DON'T WEAR DRESSES, Will you buy me a bronco shirt like brothers, but not the pink one for girls. I just laughed.
She ended my crappy day well.
I pray for my sisters acceptance of Bailey's passing. I pray for peace over her. I pray for her other dog Maolorie to bounce back. I continue to pray for Morgan. Let her see my love for her. Let her see Gods love for her. Let her see how her siblings worry for her. Let her not get caught up with drugs. Let her not get any diseases. I pray for God to put his hedge of protection around her. Open her eyes,mind and heart to all the people who love her. Let her see her blessings. I pray for my family and friends continued health. I pray for Stellans continued health. Keep his blood pressure where it needs to be. I pray for Maddie to have understanding on Dogs going to heaven. I pray for Kali's ability to like herself. I pray for Connor's wanting to play sports again. I pray for Jaidyns good heart and rollie pollie saving attitude to continue through life. I pray for Mark. He is getting another cold. His colds always turn into major things. Let this time be different. I pray for our finances to improve. I pray for our savings to find away to gain. I pray to get ahead on all the bills we are behind on. I think the financial issues are causing more stress than we realize. I pray for a response to my childcare add. I pray for an issue on my heart that I have not spoke about yet. I lost two daycare kids and their mom and myself did not handle the situation well. We were both at fault, and we both could have acted better. Bottom line is I lost the kids. It breaks my heart. I loved them. I really had issues with mom being responsible though, and I felt as if I couldn't please either mom or dad. It just didn't feel right from the beginning. I am praying that things happen for a reason and this is the outcome I was supposed to have. Only time will tell, and we will see. Thank you God for continually listening to me. Please protect my children. Your children. Wrap extra tightly your arms around Morgan. Hold her and let her feel you doing just that. I ask this in your name. Amen.