Tuesday, May 19, 2009

I drove to my churches parking lot when they were closed, to be closer to God. What?

I just needed to sit there. I know the church is just a place and that God is what you need. The church was closed. At that moment, even though God is everywhere, I needed to feel closer to Him. My church parking lot was as good as it was going to get. Reading / Writing it sounds funny I guess. I just have so much peace there. It is where I connect BEST with God. I need to get beyond my unhappiness right now. I am praying. Constantly. My daughter (Morgan) is overwhelming me in EVERY department right now. It is killing me slowly. I have tried to just "give it to God", and that is so hard to do when its your daughter. I think because I am sooooo focused on her right now other areas of my life are falling apart. I am falling behind on our bills because Steve's work has been slow, and I lost two daycare kiddos. We all know how much our finances can stress us out. It didn't help owing six grand on our taxes and my four thousand dollar hospital stay and my husbands fifteen hundred dollar hospital bill we just received for his kidney stone issue last month. I want to take yoga for stress, but can't afford it. I want to go to a financial advisor, but I can't afford it. Funny. You have to pay someone to help you learn not to spend and save. Oxymoron. School is out tomorrow. That in its self is a stressor. Don't get me wrong, I love my kids and I love spending time with them, but it is really hard when your kids are older and they HAVE to stay home because mom can't take them anywhere because she does daycare. I want to get my older kiddos water world passes buy um yeah, that is more money. My husband is stressed about money because it is his work that was totally dead for almost four months and wiped out our savings. I think men need to feel like they are providing. I think even though women can and are providing for their families, sometimes more than men, men need to feel like they are needed financially and emotionally. They are supposed to act big and strong but down deep they need to feel needed. I put on this strong face and assured him we were going to be fine..... we have a savings remember? He trusted me. I think that made him feel weak. I reminded him that we are a team. In good and bad times we work things out together. It worked for awhile. Work has started back up but the bills need to be caught up. Our years of no late payments and paying ahead has turned into late payments and being behind. You cant get blood from a turnip. We are making an effort I guess, that is all that matters. Leaving the parking lot after about 30 minutes of deep breathing and praying did seem to help, and the only expense was the gas to get there! HA! I am such a weirdo.

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