I have turned into this church going, praying hard person. Don't get me wrong, I am not complaining! I have just always believed in God but never really did the church and praying thing. I love the calmness that has been brought to my days. Its kinda funny. I thought I was bummed out or just kinda blah. But the more I thought about it, I'm still stressed about issues, like Morgan and Stellan, but I don't feel crazy and stressed.
Morgan is Morgan. She continues to make her own life hard. I try and be there for her, (I should try a little harder) but she makes me nuts. I will not give up on her. I hope she realizes one day that her mom has not given up on her although it seems as if her dad is starting to. He made the comment that he didn't give a shit what she did anymore he was tired of chasing her around and stating the rules to her. I so understand his frustration. She wont go to school. She walks in the front door and out the back. If I go to school with her, I lose my job, which effects all my other children whom are behaving. If I don't go to school with her, she won't go and I get in trouble with the schools, state, court, and again, that effects my children at home. I am lost at how to deal with her and what to do for her. Thus, more praying.
Stellan. He is on my mind constantly. I love this baby that I have never met so much. Here is my daughter Morgan being careless of her life and throwing God given opportunities away, and here is Stellan fighting to live. I want him to have the life babies are supposed to have. He gets IV's nearly daily. Tubes, wires, surgeries, poking, prodding all of it. The bummer is he knows no different and that breaks my heart! He should get to crawl. He should get to giggle at his siblings. He should see mom and dad wrestling and kissing. He should know his surroundings. I pray for him hourly. He has consumed me. I don't mind. I love that my children ask me how Stellan is doing today. I love that my friends can tell when I am thinking of him. Stellans mom has made me a better mom. I pray for her every time I pray for Stellan. She gives me so much hope for Morgan. She reminds me of Gods love daily. I really, really want to meet her. I just want to hug her and tell her she has made so many people better mothers, wives, husbands, fathers and friends. She has taught me that life is a PRECIOUS gift. I think we all know that, but tend to forget it when life carries us away. Stellan is so blessed to have her as a mother. His dad is amazing too. Maybe one day I will be able to call Stellan and his family personal friends. Until then, I will follow her blog faithfully, and pray for them always.