Friday, April 3, 2009

In need of sleep and a teenager that loves her mom....

I am emotional. That needs to be the opening line so you know to question reading this. I am frustrated with my daughter still. I am frustrated with my step daughter. I swear girls are way harder than boys. I am way overwhelmed with the medical bills that are piling up. I went to the ER about two months ago and my insurance sucks. I had 2 MRI's one with and one without dye. My insurance is crappy (kaiser) so they paid 70% leaving me with 30. Fun, that is like 6 thousand I have to pay. I am glad I get to sleep in tomorrow, that will be huge I'm sure. When I get tired my days just don't add up.

I am still thinking about
Stellan constantly. He has done better and only gone into his heart problem today a few times but the difference is he is coming out of it on his own. They were needing to stop his heart and let it pick back up before. He is slowing his rate on his own as of now. I just hope switching the IV meds to oral meds goes ok. When they tried this process before he went into prolonged SVT. I just hope it works. This baby is constantly on my mind. I just couldn't imagine. I am so emotional, because I am so tired from hurting my back and being unable to sleep that I just think of Stellan and I start balling. I hold Mark and think about Stellan’s mom and how even with major faith in God, (which she has and so do I) how you can still manage to go through that. I would give any part of my body to save this baby if I could. I just have gotten so attached that I want to fix him. I want to do something. I feel so helpless, as I am sure everyone does, what can you really do? I am so thankful that my children are healthy. The tables can turn so easily. I think (scratch that) , I know we take our kids health and safety for granted every day. Kiss them, A LOT, Hug them OFTEN, and tell them that you love them ALWAYS. I tell Morgan. But I wonder if she REALLY hears me. I feel like I put so much focus on her behavior, and Marks needs (being a baby) that Connor and Maddie sometimes are just left. I know they know I love them, but they are good kids and have good grades, and behave. I don't have to "be on them" if that makes sense. So I feel as if sometimes they feel left alone. I sure hope not, that is never or was never my intention. I try to praise them often and tell them I'm proud of them. Morgan has just taken all of my focus this week, and I feel like my other kids have been put on the back burner because of it. I laughed today. I don't usually read my horoscopes, but today I did. Morgan was making me nuts and I just quit answering the phone, I wasn't going to argue with her anymore. So when she called I answered and just said, I am really frustrated with you right now, and you are angry so you are not going to respect or even hear anything I have to say so I am going to let you go. I will not be answering your phone calls for awhile, so if you have an ER, you need to call your dad. I love you but I need some space from you right now before I say something I will regret, and I hung up. My horoscope today said, Scorpio, you often speak before thinking, step back today and just do the opposite of what you would normally do. Take minutes, hours or days thinking about your plan of conversation. WOW!! This was read after I handled myself with her on the phone. I am normally the type that would have started yelling, demanding her to be respectful, grounding her from something that I think she cares about and then crying because I feel I have failed as a mother. Which when I have my head on right, and am not exhausted or PMSing, I know isn't true, due to her age. My grandfather used to say that all kids get their first job around 13. The job of being totally annoying and rude and flat out acting like an ass. So I just need to remind myself that I love her and she is just doing her job. Will someone in charge of her JOB fire her ass please?

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