Take my hand…

Take my hand and walk me by the times in my life that I have issue with. Let me pass those times once more to see if I perceived them correctly.
To see if the hurt was there. To see if I was really spoken to that way. Taken advantage of that way. Judged that way. Discriminated against that way. Let me see if those incidents really caused scars to form and entangle the free, happy, trusting, loving, innocent heart I once had.

Take my hand and walk me by the times that made those same scars softer. Untangled the scars ever so slightly. To see if I was really talked to that way. Loved that much, hugged that tight, and forgiven that often.

Take my hand and walk me by the first time you told me you loved me.

Take my hand and walk me by the first time you caught my eye and words with just eye contact were exchanged.

Take my hand and walk me by the moment I realized nothing in life mattered but the love I felt for you.

Take my hand and walk me to the moment I realized scars are healed with love. Go to that moment. Stop there. That’s where I want to be. Forever with you.

Checking out.

You. You and your words. You and your hurtful words. You and your hurtful, abusive words. You and your hurtful, abusive words will no longer be heard. You and your hurtful, abusive words will no longer be heard by myself or our three children, if the courts or I have anything to do with it. I have never spoken badly of you to them. I figured they would learn on their own. And that is the problem for you... that is why you are so angry right now. Your non existent relationship with them is causing you pain. So to deal with that pain you have to be angry and mean, and extremely hurtful, and name call and try to hurt everyone so that they (like you) are hurting too. I'm putting my foot down. You have made the bed of your children not wanting a relationship with you. Lay in it. I frankly hope its uncomfortable. Find God. Learn what your children are supposed to be, and that they (really) are not your children at all. They are His, and you are temporarily caring for them. If you choose not to, that is where I come in. I'm tired. I'm done. I have given you years of trying to 'get help' and 'become a better person' in those years I have only watched more pain, heartbreak and tears be caused. I'm laying down the effort I have put in on you. I'm giving my last efforts to the courts, and God. Between the two of them, what needs to happen will.

Ironic that I learned of his death on one of the devices he invented. Rest in peace, Steve Jobs. Your fingerprints will remain in our home with 2 iPods, 3 iPod touches, 3 iPhones, a Mac book, a Mac book air, a iMac and an iPad 2. Needless to say I love the products you envisioned before I needed and now can't live without.

Age, growing up and what we call... wisdom

I can't put my finger on when life got complicated. Where imagination is taken over by schedules and to do lists. Where your parents went from being invincible to having heart attacks and being human. Where your first born baby girl turns 18. Where you become excited about a new vacuums VS a new barbie. When exactly does all of this start or happen?

I thought about it last night. I was sitting in my moms hospital room visiting her with my husband and my dad. She looks great. She doesn't 'look' sick. She doesn't 'look' like she just had a heart attack. But she was hooked up to an IV pump and in a hospital gown and her hair looked like she had been in a hospital bed for the last two days. If you are reading this mom I love you and there is a reason I am telling the world that your hair looked.... ummm slept on. The reason is I realized last night that I have never seen you not be the 'care giver'. I NEVER in my years of my memory serving me remember you being 'in' the hospital. It was a wake up call for sure. You take for granted what is in front of you everyday. You just assume it is going to be there tomorrow and next week.

I feel like I am a good parent. There are times I question that statement but all in all I think I am fair. However for the first time ever I didn't know 'how' to be a mom. Yesterday I wanted to tell my kids about my mom, they should know because that is their Grandma, however I wanted to protect them from the scared, uneasy fear I was feeling myself with it being my mom. I couldn't say she was fine... I didn't know yet. I couldn't say she is going to be fine because I didn't know that either. I couldn't even use my faith as an example because it was rocky. I couldn't say Grandma is going to be fine she has great doctors and nurses taking care of her because they would see me well up and start bawling, knowing I was unsure of what I was telling them. I knew if I couldn't hold it together they would doubt my words and worry. So I didn't tell them anything. For a while.

I waited.

I tried to act all day like I was fine.

I was a nervous wreck.

Which takes me to my sister.

Lori has always had the nick name grandma in our family because she worries about EVERYTHING... if you are out to late... why.
If you are not answering your phone. Why. If you didn't tell her you had plans and you are not home, why. Forget the fact that you are a grown damn adult. You need (especially if you are my parents) to tell Lori where you are or where you are going at ALL times or you are going to deal with the wrath of Lori.

I have always (secretly) feared the day something happens to either on of my parents. I'm sure everyone knows exactly what I mean. The thought alone can bring me to tears. But I always imagined Lori would be the one to struggle the worst. Not that David or I wouldn't, just that is how I always imagined it. But she blew me away the last few days. She has been calm, and informative. I tried to call her instead of my dad because I can't imagine my dads place in all of this. I think since she was put on the spot to do all the updates it kept her in a positive place. She amazes me... I see a lot of my mom in her. Strong willed, determined (she complaints about my moms busy schedule but fails to see hers is NOOOOO different). Which makes me giggle. Basically I just was shocked by my little sisters very adult way of handling stress.

I guess where I am going in all of this is yesterday was a wake up day for me.

My mom is human. She gets sick and has a body that wears out like the rest of us.

My dad who was a cop and had this "protecting, strong, brave, invincible, catch the bad guy.. man" is human and worries.

My sister who will always be little and needing my help in my mind was very independent and a individual leader.

My brother all of the sudden is not a little kid. He has a job and a family and I'm not quite sure when that happened.

So I decided to tell my kids.

My kids received scary news, handled it well and asked questions that amazed me. Good questions. Questions they had because I decided to not shield them from examples that life is short and to love every possible minute.

Guess that comes from age, growing up and what is the wisdom we hear everyone say we get when we get older.

Wow time flies when you're having fun! I am looking over my blog that I haven't blogged in FOREVER, and everything needs updating. I can't believe how much info like kids ages have changed but the details about my life and what I am feeling is pretty much the same. Guess I need to be doing some updating. Soon. I think.

Missing two people still.

I remember the sunshine back then. It felt different than now. Their white split rail fence. Their grass looked more green than any of the neighbors. Her cooking was amazing. His imagination was like no other. They loved each other. It was one of the two best marriages I knew. He helped her every night do the dishes. She'd wash, He'd dry. He would turn up the music on the radio when they were done and dance with each other in the kitchen. I think that is where I got my love for dancing and romantic gestures. He cut the grass, she cleaned the house. He knew everyone, she had many girl friends. They loved wine. They loved cruises. They loved Hawaii. Jerry loved Alaska.

I guess where this is going is the sun felt warm on my face standing in the driveway the other day. I stood there for a second thinking that I had slowed for a second, enough to feel the sun. The warm sun is something you don't usually feel in February. It instantly made me sad.. I was instantly reminded that the last time I felt sun on my face (noticeably) was standing outside the church after Nita's funeral. The warmer weather for sure makes me think of her because we always bought flowers together and planted them together in the spring.

Two amazing people. I know I have blogged about them before. I just can't let go. He would have been 101 this year. I think his death was hard to take but easier to accept. I was still able to be in his house after he died. With her. Taking care of his wife. Seeing his things, smelling his smells. His smells is what got me on this blog tonight. Nita gave Connor one of Jerry's bottles of Safari (cologne). Tonight Connor had sprayed some up in the air wondering what it smelt like. Instantly I lost it. I didn't know what Connor had done, I just instantly recognized the smell. How the smell of something can take us back to someone or a memory is so odd to me. I think Nita's death is harder because there is nothing now. No house to go to, none of her things to still see. I see why she wanted me to take certain things near the end. I see why she went crazy on my kids before she went... She didn't need to, we wouldn't have ever forgotten her. Ever.

I went to the cemetery today. Cleaned their headstone. Left flowers. Yes, again, yellow. All I can think of are her blue eyes that she opened for me the day before she died when she didn't open them for anyone else. And his hands. How tired and old they looked. He has been dead for twelve years, and she has almost been gone for one already. Someone said this will get easier.... it hasn't yet. I love you Nita and Jerry. I miss you both so very much.

Life has been crazy. Crazy enough to leave me little time to blog.

Morgan has been okay. She is 17 now and reminding me daily that she is only 7 months away from being an adult. LOL, in my head I have a feeling that 18 isn't going to change much. I will still worry about her and she will still (HAHAHAHAHAHA) need her mommy :) (yea!)

Connor is doing good too. Talk of getting his permit has started to surface. Ugg. He loves school but hates his. We have struggled with this being that the school he hates is his home school and the other high schools lead to transportation issues or no out of district enrollment. We need to sit down and think and get a little creative. My problem is getting him to and from school. I am doing daycare (and unable to drive) during the times of the days that he would need to get there and be picked up. My job is so frustrating sometimes, but then I think most parents would be working at those times.

Kali is doing good too. She is learning life is what you make of it and growing up way to quickly. She is also talking about getting her permit. These kids are going to kill me lol. She has reached this new silly phase/age. Everything is goofy and giggling and I find myself telling her to calm at least ten times a day... she is just so.... so hyper. lol.

Maddie is still my girly girl. We have reached the emotions that I thought we may get so lucky to miss. I guess it happens to all pre-teens. Sigh. I was hoping she wouldn't go there lol. She is still all about hair, and nails and polka-dots and pink. She is still my straight A student regardless of her Debbie Downer teacher we have delt with all year. I somehow have kept Maddie excited about school and working really hard regardless of this teacher who so doesn't deserve to be one.

Jaidyn is still very much the tomboy. We have to BEG her to get out of bed each morning. She likes school but is NOT a morning person. Each and every morning is a battle. We have tried everything including a WAY early bed time and nothing works. She is just a massive grump in the morning. Her teacher loves her and she is enjoying school, but she is still refusing to wear the uniform skirts and will only wear pants. She cracks me up.

Mark is Mark. He is adorable and has the biggest blue eyes. We are talking a TAD more but not much. He has been approved for speech therapy to continue through preschool which has caused a whole bunch of new feelings. I don't like the idea of putting a three year old on a bus, (because they bus him to and from preschool). I have a lot of mixed feelings on this. I think you can explain to a five year old that this bus is going to take you to school and then it will bring you back. A three year old with speech issues does not hold that same comprehension. It is scary to me. He for the most part has been healthier. The first nearly two years of his life was scary. I didn't know what was wrong or what to do for him. National Jewish was amazing. The Children's Hospital was amazing too. We were really blessed to have each of them.

As far as Steve and I go... we won't bore you lol.

I just wanted to say hello and give everyone an update on the kids... hopefully I will get more into this blogging thing again. I do miss it!!!

Looking back on 2010... Making the Lemons life handed me colorful...

So I have to say to sum up 2010, I think it was one of my 'bad' years. It was NOT a good year at all. Sure it had some good moments but the bad weighed out the good this year by far. Which is why I am so so so so excited for a NEW YEAR!!!
Looking back on the year here are the times that 'stick out': In no order. Good and bad. Beautiful and Ugly.

:) Of course the obvious blessings, our health, a home, and a huge family.

:'( Nita passing away. :'( hardest thing all year to take. Hands down. Still struggling.

:) Having a full daycare and daycare parents and kids that love me!!!

:) and :') and ;'( Jaidyn starting kindergarten.

:( Steve being out of work for nearly eight months of the year.

:( Mark being diagnosed with an auto-immune disease. Which was good and bad. We finally had some answers to why he was always sick. But it also caused a LOT of unexpected expenses when Steve wasn't working to find specialists for him. And his poor skin has taken a beating. BUT, I have learned a lot.

:) Morgan took HUGE strides this year. Enough said.

:) All of our kids doing great in school.

:) Going back to school to get my pilots license.

(? I wish there was a mad face sticking out tongue spitting) God working on my heart to forgive and love your enemies. As I said, Working on my heart. As of now, first day of the new year I still HATE her. I still am UNABLE to forgive or consider forgiving her. There are only two subjects that can bring me to full on tears and this is one of them.


;'( One of my friends/daycare moms ending her life and the life of her unborn baby. And leaving her beautiful daughter w/o a mom.

;'( A very dear friend from high school passed away saving the life of his wife and unborn child.

;'( My doctor diagnosing me with Menieres Disease.

;'( A total of $3427 dollars spent on diagnosing Mark. AND YES we have insurance. SIGH.

;') Being handed Jerry's pocket watch by his brother in law, and getting Nita's couches the same way.

;) Facebook has been a blessing for me, I know it sounds crazy, but it cheered me up a lot this year!!!

;) Mark understanding Halloween this year was so much fun!

:)Getting Max and Joey (our dogs).

;( Getting Max and Joey (our dogs). LOL kidding Lori.

:) Christmas was wonderful. A little sad w/o Nita but still made amazing by mom and dad.

:)!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! A family that loves me and stood by me and all of my tears and crying this year. It was a tough one for sure. But what doesn't kill us will make us stronger right? I'm sure I am forgetting tons of things... but it is three o'clock in the morning which reminds me of another thing I have dealt with all year... the inability to sleep. Just like right now... yippy skippy. I hope you all have many memories of 2010, and I wish you all a wonderful and Happy New Year! Enjoy 2011!

With much love,
Cindy

YOU KNOW YOUR A MOMMY WHEN....

So I am starting this thing called, "You know your a mommy when...." where when ever something really 'hits' you that for sure makes it obvioius that you are a mom, that you post it, (and maybe could be so kind to link it to my blog or facebook). It is too funny to me that we see this stuff everyday and it means nothing to us or we never think twice about it, but if you were put in the same place, seeing or doing the same thing and you DIDN'T have children, how odd it would seem. Such as this:



You know your a mommy when this is the view from your peaceful, relaxing bubblebath. SIGH.

Work with me here. They are the same on the outside.... but do things that LOOK the same make you feel different?

Think of two beach balls. A perfect, brand new, bright, shinny beach ball. Blown up to perfection and holding air wonderfully. Then the other, a little faded, a little soft, blown up but maybe leaking a little. Not enough to go flat though. The new one bounces so well. The new one seems to fly higher when hit 'just right'. Even being the same material, the new one feels smoother. The older one you just know. You know how hard it needs to be bounced off your fingertips to fly. It has to be refilled with air often. The colors are faded from your journeys in the sun with it. But each skuff, or mark holds a story. But you are eager to 'make' skuffs and marks with the new ball. Which ball do you want to play with?

How many subjects in your life can you fit this story? Think about it and comment if you want to. I'll elaborate more tomorrow....

Things I'm working on... Along with wearing yellow.

Ten things I'd like to work on in 2011:

1. Be more forgiving.

2. Try to NOT cry when I am upset.

3. Listen to my heart. With my ears wide open.

4. Build more 'individual relationships' with my kids VS family ones. We do EVERYTHING as a family and I tend to forget the one on one time. One on one time is really hard when you have six kids. I'm going to work on it.

5. Slow down. Not need to be going all the time. Breathe in total silence for ten minutes every day.

6. Get my paperwork done ahead of time instead of last minute.

7. Be ahead on laundry, such as a load or two every day.

8. Help Maddie with her Science project due Jan 18th. &*^*%%&^T*&Y(*&(*^*&^*(&(*^*&% I don't want to. :'( THIS ASSIGNMENT IS TORTURE FOR ME EVERY SINGLE YEAR. IT IS THE ONLY TIME I WANT TO UN ENROLL MY CHILDREN FROM THEIR AWESOME SCHOOL.

9. Reading (at least) one book a month.

10. Taking more pictures and telling those around me how much they are loved.

My bonus one... Letting Lynn die in my mind. Letting it go. I find so much peace in the fact that Nita knew she was going to be such a bitch to me. "Wear yellow, you will feel better..." -Nita Tolve OH and I did buy a yellow sweater this weekend!

Keeping the memories this year!

So it is 2:30 in the morning and my mind is racing. I am so glad blogging is free because it is my form of therapy I think. I haven't blogged lately because life gets in the way of doing the things we love. Just like the title of this blog. :) Can you believe Christmas has just passed? Time fly's when your having fun. Family, friends, laughter, good times, memories that can never be taken from you. We were being a little silly this year. We sang some songs and my dad got a little silly. I love him so much. He makes the holidays so much fun just by himself. I learned last year to take more pictures. Nita having her last Christmas on the same year it was my first Christmas to host it made me realize I should have taken more pictures and videos. I will not EVER make that mistake again. We had so much fun this year. From my dad being silly to me being alone praying that everything we have ever heard about Heaven was true and that Nita and Jerry were getting the best of it, my Christmas was wonderful.

Just how I am feeling.

jaded: adj. The end result of having a steady flow of negative experiences, disappointment, and unfulfillment fed into a person where they get to the point where their anger circuits just sort of burn out and they accept disillusionment.

Social Butterflies with tongue lashing capabilities.

Women are social butterflies. We have heard it before. Bloggers, chatters, phone talkers, Texters. Facebookers. We have to talk, gossip, chat, converse, state our opinion, stand on our soap box. Have long drawn-out conversations with a spouse that you probably have had over and over, saying the same sentence two hundred and ten times but must say it ONCE MORE to make a point. Our mouths have to move. But what if we had to go ONE day with no words? At what point would you lose your ability to be quiet?

I remember my mother when I would get in trouble, would have these LONG (hour and a half at least) conversations on behaving and making the right choices in life. They always took place at the kitchen table. I remember making the same eye rolling faces at her going on forever that my husband makes now when we are arguing and I go on forever.

So I am blogging to tell you this one thing. Steve and I were arguing. I wanted to know (for blogging purposes- I had to tell you my findings ok not really) what would happen if I didn't say a word. NOTHING. Just shut my yapper. So he states his issue, I state my complaint and then nothing. He said a couple more things that I wanted to lash out at. He looked at me as if I was broke. He paused looking at me in TOTAL confusion. He said, "WELL, aren't you going to say something?" I had my arms crossed and could tell my lips were pressed together so hard that they were white. I so bad wanted to yell something like "That is the most ridiculous thing I have ever heard what the hell were you thinking?" But decided not to. As hard as it was I turned and walked out of the bedroom. The next statement to fall from his mouth upon my departure was, "WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU.... what should I have done instead?" I, (wow bad I know) found a tiny bit of satisfaction knowing that when we argue men use what we say as advise kind of. So he sat down on the couch and was quiet for a bit. Shortly after I hear this, "will you come and talk to me about this?" What easily WOULD have been an argument was able to be a conversation later just by holding my tongue. Hmmm. Seems pretty simple to do, but it soooo wasn't. How many marriages could have been saved or how many fights could kids have not been exposed to if one party (only one) had the ability to hold their tongue? I will admit it was so hard to do when you are so passionate about your feelings on the situation. I can't wait to try it with my teenagers. THAT will be even harder. :)

I am in a good mood today. LOL, not that is such a rare occurrence that I need to post it or tell people who read my blog lol! I am just having one of those days that makes you step back and really 'pay attention' to life. Feel the sunshine, hear the rhythm in the rain.. you know, slow down and be thankful.

I didn't realize how stressed I have been. Over the economy. Our finances, my daycare PARENTS, (well some of them anyway). My grandma Nita's family. And all of the sudden I realized, all of this time I have been stressed, and unhappy and emotional and angry. Months, days, hours and minutes have passed proving that tomorrow always comes and your waisting time on those feelings. So be mad, be stressed be emotional, that is only normal, BUT limit those feelings to seconds that don't add up to a full minute of your long day, and move on to the good feelings!
Tomorrow comes. Regardless of how you feel. Pray about you feelings. Find the good in the situation and move on! I'm getting wiser in my older age... :)
Love ya all!

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Location:Listen to the rhythm of the falling rain...

Saul, Ananias, God and Jesus. Hmmm where were you yesterday?

So have you ever had that 'ah ha' moment? That walk into a glass wall and fall on your butt moment? The wall you never saw coming? You know the moment when Jesus knocked Saul on his butt moment? (Acts 9:1-18) The story where Ananias questioned God but went to Saul to 'wake him up', give Saul that, 'ah ha' moment. Although I think a huge light coming out of the sky knocking me on my butt would be my ah ha moment, that Ananias coming to me to make my blindness go away would just confirm it. (Thank you to my church this weekend.... great story to share.. very needed). Making some BIG changes in my life. When Pastor Jim asked us who we could relate to more in this story, Saul, the continual sinner even when he felt he was doing right or Ananias, who judged Saul and questioned God. I felt like I easily related more to Ananias. I judge others who are doing wrong instead of acting like a Christian and helping them. It also cleared my vision in the area that I too (like Ananias) was and am a Saul myself. We are all sinners. You just have to stop and look. Wow. Its so much more than just breaking laws and doing wrong. Its the walk we walk and the talk we talk. All I can say is I am responsible for me, (well and for now, my kids), however Miss Cindy, just did a 180.
The turn felt great by the way.

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She loved yellow, and it's her birthday!

I'm buying yellow daisy's for her grave today. I will put one white daisy in the middle for her husband. I love that they are in the same place. Behind the same stone. It took eleven years but they are together again. Happy Birthday Nita, I love you. I miss you and Jerry so much.

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Trying to be up beat. Trying to stay positive. Trying to not be jealous. Trying to not be envious. Trying to be Thankful. Trying to be appreciative. Trying to keep my chin up. Trying to not be overwhelmed. Trying to breathe. Trying to smile. Trying to step forward. Trying to encourage others. Trying to go to church. Trying to give it all to God. Trying. Trying. Trying. Getting so tired of trying.

Tired of:
Routines
Dr.'s.
Dentists.
a certain @#$%#%^$#$%&#^%$ who's name starts with P
Teen disrespect and inability to see that they are loved.
Husbands work.
Finances
child care classes
being sick all the time.
my garbage disposal!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Tired of Maddie's teacher. (she is an amazing student straight A's from kindergarten until 5th grade and she loves school, and one teacher is going to blow that- seriously this teacher is a B!)
sleep issues
pacifiers and bottles
the bees in my back yard
schedules.
normal house repairs.
state inspections
allergies
my dogs pulling up the fabric under my mulch.
my neighbor.
putting gas in my tank $70 dollars each time! Moms being taxi's is so not a joke.
homework
school for me (what was I thinking)
Mark always being sick, and dealing with his skin.
wondering about someone
asthma
baseball costing more than 400 dollars for Connor.
ROTC
soccer
cheerleading
4H
people dying I'm at 5 this year :(

THANKS FOR LISTENING.... I NEEDED A BRIEF MOMENT TO VENT. WHEW. I KNOW I AM BLESSED IN LIFE TOO. TRUST ME I DON'T FORGET THAT. I LOVE MY FRIENDS AND FAMILY AND LOVE THE HEALTH OF MY CHILDREN. WE OFTEN FORGET THOSE THINGS.




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Facing the wind and the rain.

So Friday I had two doctors diagnose me with Meniere's Disease. I was I think in shock on Friday. Saturday I became frustrated reading about it online because everywhere I go it says something different. I will go deaf. I might go deaf. It will only affect one ear, it will affect two ears. Attacks hit you in clusters. Attacks can be spread out. Attacks last 20 minutes, attacks last 4 hours. It is livable. It is horrible and you will wish to be deaf so all symptoms will stop.

I am confused and frustrated. I don't know if I will hear my kids laugh in six months. I don't know if I will hear my sisters vows at her wedding in a year. I don't know if I will hear the people I love around me laughing. You don't think about your vision, your hearing, or anything for that matter until it is gone. I have already lost 47% of my hearing in my left ear. It just brought up so many feelings. I probably won't be able to do daycare if I lose all of my hearing. Who wants to have their child watched by someone who can't hear them crying? Who can't hear that they just opened the front door and walked out? I mean seriously. I am sure there are people who are deaf whom are EXCELLENT mothers... tell me about ONE childcare provider. I don't think the state will license you. I would think that is a liability. Praying, praying, praying this is only going to affect my left ear. The most frustrating thing is it seems as though going deaf can take one year or 20. So vague.


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Now you too? Wow, ummmm, I'm so sorry....

"No fault no blame, nobody done no wrong, thats just the way it sometimes goes... sometimes two people just don't get along and its time to hit the road, Goodbye, farewell, So long, Vaya condos, Goodluck, wish you well, take it slow..."

Three of my friends are going through divorces. It is just weird. You learn to love your friends WITH their spouses. And what if your own spouse is friends with your friends spouse? I think we wind ourselves into what is going on around us.

"it just wasn't in the cards...."

Is divorce an easy answer? Sometimes a little too easy I think.


"Said she's had enough of me... I've had enough of her too..."

What makes you hit the point of throwing the cards in? Is it when he is a total stranger all of the sudden? When does it actually happen?
When does she just not make you feel loved anymore? Can you put your finger on it? One day its there and the next it is gone.

Most of all why does other marriages throwing the towel in make it easier to throw yours in too?

"Easy come girl, easy go..."

Who are we kidding anyway?

"If I could walk on water, If I could tell you whats next I'd make you believe, make you forget." I would. That old saying you've heard that the grass isn't always greener on the other side is so true. It rings so true right now. Why would that have been any different? What was I expecting? WHY was I expecting anything? I think you find yourself someday, one day, sometime, wanting more. In a desperate way almost. And you get a hint of that and it is amazing for 2.5 seconds, (okay, ONE WEEK) and then reality slaps you in the face again. The let down is almost worse than the wanting of it to begin with. I think we all need to accept that nothing is going to be perfect. NOTHING IN THE WORLD. So we need to make peace and be happy with what we have. We live in a world that we constantly get more. Higher pay, larger titles following our names, bigger promotions, bigger cars, larger homes. When is it that at the end of the day we are happy that we have- heat, healthy kids, a husband that tries his best and a roof over our heads? I think it is a lesson we all learn. Its just a matter of when. I think I learned mine this morning at about 8. Well actually I learned it last night at about 11pm but it was nailed into reality at 8 this morning.

"Scary are the steps we take that lead to what we do not know"

Life has these crossroads. Amazing moments that make you realize going right might just be a better walk. Even if that turn or that fork starts off painful. "Scary are the steps we take that lead to what we do not know." A quote written by me! I love it it means so much to me. It is so true. The path of all known and all the same will only be that. How boring. Explore, waunder. Go right, hell, Go left. Who cares just move. Take that step. I am scared. To death. But I haven't felt butterflies in forever!

I caught myself smiling today.

What is wrong with my comment settings? *sigh*

If you have a second please comment on this, just say hi. I do not understand what is wrong with my comment settings but I have fixed them and fixed them.... lets see if I have it right now.... please, and thank you.

hope for healing.

Life. Fair? I vote no. Simple? Again, I vote no. Easy to understand? That again, would be No.

I'm struggling tonight. My girlfriend's sister's baby died yesterday. How do you comfort a friend? What do you say? How long do you hug her? Can you tell her it's going to be okay? I don't know what to do. I don't know how to act. The only thing that comes to mind is prayer. I have prayed.

"And I'll be by your side, Wherever you fall
In the dead of night, Whenever you call...
My hands are holding you"

Jaidyn at the lake. 

YES! Now to try the picture way!!

Trying to set up my phone posting to my blog. Testing. Testing did it work LOL!!!

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The two looking over me instead of standing next to me.

I loved her so much I won't EVER be the same without her. She was like a second mother to me. Better than a grandmother, more like a best friend. I know in my heart she is in a better place but I'm being selfish and would rather her be here. How terrible right?
My parents bought a tiny two bedroom house when I was very young. Next door lived a couple in their early sixties. They didn't have any children of their own but growing up I changed that. I was at their house more than I was at my own probably.
Nita Tolve, was a tall, beautiful, honest woman. She loved babies and children. She never had her own. She couldn't have them. I can tell that was heartbreaking for her. But she had me. Her hair was always perfect. She went to the "beauty shop" every Thursday since I can remember. She made (and taught me to make) the best pies. She taught me card games. Her favorite color was yellow. She loved potato chips. We would eat them in old tupperware bowls late at night. She hated birds. She loved shoes. I didn't know anyone who had more shoes, (all heels) than her. She had dresses galore. She always looked perfect. She always kept an amazingly clean house. She was the perfect housewife. She love her husband with all her heart and they both made that known. They had marriage rules. Never go to bed mad and never yell at each other unless the house was on fire. I remember thinking that I wanted a marriage like theirs. She would take me shopping. She took me shopping up until the week she died. You couldn't tell her no to anything. She believed that all would be good if your husband was fed and your house was clean and you did a little shopping. She spoiled my kids. She bought them toys and clothes and paid for them to stay busy so "drugs wouldn't find them". She would tell me to not let them get away with anything or I'd pay for it when they were 20. She made sure my kids knew about her brother that died coming down a mountain when he fell asleep so they would know to take driving VERY seriously. She taught them to eat well because she had a brother who died of malnutrition as a little baby because he was allergic to absolutely everything. He could only have barley water and that wasn't enough to keep him alive after 18 months of age. She insisted on buying my kids school clothes every year. Jaidyn my five year old starts kindergarten this year and I know Nita would have been so excited to dress her up for school. She was the queen of surprises. She would call and ask what size shoes each child wore and shoes would show up at the door. Ones she had picked out at JC Penny's. She had them delivered to me because she knew I couldn't say no then. She was just like that. She always gave. Every year she would make me a blueberry pie (my favorite) for my birthday. Every anniversary she would buy us a new bedroom comfortor because you have to "keep your bedroom pretty for your marriage". THAT one cracked me up. When I was living with her as a teenager and when I spent the night as a child, each morning she would bring me a hot washcloth and said "Wash Your Face" it is the easiest way to wake up. And each morning would start with the smell of that washcloth. I loved the smell of her laundry. Her closet smelled amazing. Everything was clean and sharp and ironed and perfect. I think I got most of my OCD from her :) She was shopping on Thursday May 13th. She died five days later. It was so fast. She just got sick. But she NEVER complained. When she opened her eyes for a split second when my sister, brother and I went to see her in hospice I will NEVER forget how blue her eyes were that day. I had never noticed before. I mean, I knew they were blue but not THAT blue. That is my last memory of her was her blue eyes. I also remember and want to write (type) I remember the last thing she said to me. She said, "I LOVE YOU HONEY So very much and I always have". She had told me she loved me before but this time was different and it sounded different. I think she knew. She had said to some other family that she was ready to go but she didn't tell me that. I don't think she could. She died the day after I saw her in hospice. I was going to see her that night again, but she died before I was done doing daycare that day. So everytime someone dies for some reason I have a God moment. :) I remember the day after she died we had a tornado warning in a near by county. The sky was dark but it was early evening. I thought to myself, I hope she is happy and I hope she is dancing with Jerry in heaven... and this is what I saw at that EXACT moment. I had to pull over and get out and take a picture.....



It was instantly blinding. Actual rays shinning down. I just knew. I knew she was there. I knew she was happy. It INSTANTLY made it just a bit easier.


Jerry Tolve was a tall funny, friendly man. In his book there were no strangers. He knew everyone and everyone loved him. He was quiet, he was loud, and he had the best laugh. He kind of "held his laugh in" until he was bright red. He called me Chick-a-loop. To this day people who knew him and I still call me that. He served his country well during WWII. He put God first. He liked to sleep in. He went to the late church service. He loved dogs. He kept care of his things. He was never late on his oil changes. He recycled. He loved Hawaii and Alaska. He had one tattoo. It was of Alaska on his left forearm and it was a "military thing" he said. He was a big kid and had his own toys. He loved loud remote controlled toys. He collected trains. He loved those old 40's posters of pin up girls. He adored spoiling his wife. He was a faithful husband. He would shave everyday. He had 'connections '. He bought a new flag every year. He put up and took down his flag everyday. He taught me the correct way to fold/hold and never drop a flag. He would go for an afternoon walk everyday unless it was "crappydappy" out. When I would try and turn on a light as a young child and couldn't reach the switch, he would ask me, "Are you standing on your tip-tip-tippy-toes?" I tied his shoe laces together when he would fall asleep, (if he ever was REALLY asleep or just "leading me to believe" he was asleep). I would drink his coffee that had gone cold when he didn't finnish it. To this day I think of him the five times I have to "reheat" my coffee everyday. I enjoyed late night root beer floats with him. I danced on his toes. I played catch with him. He always approved of my boyfriends. When I was young he said "every little girl needed RED pattend leather shoes. He bought them for me and my first daughter when she was born. He taught me to pay attention to women drivers because they would either be "scratching their watches or winding their butts" . He taught me to love your spouse like no other. He made sure the holidays were elaborate. Candy stretched across an entire dining table for my sister, brother and I for Halloween. Toys that lit up and were loud and "just what we wanted" for Christmas. One year he "forgot" the Barbie doll I wanted for Christmas so "SANTA" came IN PERSON Christmas morning to deliver it to me. He had set that all up. I had wagon rides and moped rides and walks to the school yard to swing. I remember fiding a ring in the gravel at the school yard with him. I remember to this day what it looked like. I remember him telling his wife when we got home that I had found a HUGE blue diamond and that I was going to be rich. I was so proud of that ring. He asked me every five minutes if "I still had my expensive ring". I remember him taking my sister and I to the zoo. To this day every time I see a hippo I will think of him. He took me to Brittany Hill every year for my birthday so I could have "The Best French Onion Soup in the World". Brittany Hill is no place for a child. It is (incase you don't know) a VERY nice restraunt, (more so back in the day) but you just didn't take kids there. He did. Every year. He would buy me a new dress to go. He made sure my dresses had matching shoes, hats and a purse. He bought my Easter dresses and Christmas dresses and birthday dresses every year. He would play restraunt with me ten thousand times in a row and never get irratated. I would take his order with pen and paper tablets that he bought for me just for this game. I would tell him over and over that we are out of "that" (his "item") but we have "this" and list another similar item. He would laugh. I remember him telling me to always no matter what be nice to my parents. He told me that one time his mother was ironing his shirt for a school dance and she burned it. He said he said mean things to her. He said she cried and appologized but he said he was a stupid teenager. He said after she died that was his one regret. He said that was all he could ever think of when he thought of her was making her cry. He told me cute stories of sneaking out and stealing the car that had to be wound up to run to go and sneak off to see his wife back when they were kids and dating. He gave me three hundred dollars (in quarters) for gas money when I turned 16. He said he gave it to me in quarters so I "couldn't spend it all in one place". He bought me my first phone when I was six. It was a collector Mickey Mouse phone that I played with while he was paying his phone bill at the phone company and he thought I needed it, so he bought it for me. He came to my baseball games, my school plays the births of my first two children. He would have loved Steve. I am so glad that he shook Steve's hand and knew Steve, even though I wasn't married to Steve back then. He was born on Feb. 9, 1910 and he died 89 years later and my heart broke that day. He had a stroke that paralized him but didn't kill him. I will never forget these details. In the halls of the rehab building at St. Anthony's Hospital he pulled me aside and asked me something. He said, "Promise me if I die you will take care of Nita", (his wife). I at THAT moment said Jerry, I will take care of her BUT I am NOT going to have to, because you are going to get better and take care of her yourself! I did this to encourage him. Stroke victims go through a depression. I saw it. But it worked he was never 100% back to "normal" but for awile he did really well. Him asking me to take care of Nita was a very important moment because it had a HUGE meaning later. So after his stroke I cut the grass, I cleaned the gutters, I raked the leaves. He always wanted to sit outside in his wheelchair and watch. I am sure he felt bad but he would tell me how to do it, how he wanted it done. I would give him wheelies in his wheel chair and the first two times he would yell DAMNIT CINDY and by the third dip backwards I would have him laughing. I would drive to their house everynight to put him into bed after his next stroke because Nita couldn't lift him up on her own. I would take them out every Saturday because Nita couldn't lift his wheelchair into the car and Jerry wanted to always go with her. He continued to have mini strokes until he had a really bad one. Jerry wanted to die at home. Hospice gave us a list of how a body starts to shut down before someone dies. I hated that list. They have that list down to an exact science. Every step down that list was like a dagger going through my heart. I alternated nights with other family members sleeping with Nita as Jerry laid in the back bedroom in a hospital bed his last few nights. I had such mixed feelings. I wanted to be with Nita if and when he died to support her, but I wanted to be no where near that house when he died for my own breaking heart. To this day I can't listen to a bathtub drain. That is what his breathing sounded like his last two days. He had HORRID bed sores. My God moment was when everyone came to say their last goodbyes because he was so bad. I sat at the back side of his bed and watched his entire family cry. Each one of them told me how much he loved me. They walked out and his Priest walked in to give him his last rights. I started silently crying. There was NO sound but tears were just rolling. I think it was because of the hospice list that said his hearing would be the last thing to go and I didn't want the last thing for him to hear was my crying. The Priest at that moment said to me, and no one else was in the room but Nita, Sometimes people hang on because they are waiting to hear something. He had suffered for two weeks straight. I thought to myself what could HE POSSIBLY be waiting to hear? Just then it hit me. Him asking me after his first stroke to promise him that I would take care of Nita. So my God moment was after his last rights and after everyone left the room as horrible and as hard as it was without crying I promised Jerry I would take care of and look over Nita. He died that night. March 25, 1999. My daughter Maddie was born one year and three months later and she has such an old soul personality to her. She never knew him but I can sooooo see him in her in more ways than one. I think about it a lot. Maddie will say or do things that make me think of Jerry. It is a beautiful reminder. My last child Mark's middle name is Jerry.
There isn't a day that I don't think of these two. I miss them terribly. I am a better person because of both of them. My only wish would be to have one more day with each of them. I would hug them and love them and tell them how very, very much I love them. That their love for me, meant the world to me. This post took me a month to be able to write. Nita died one month ago tomorrow. Missing her so much. Jerry too.

Please don't stop following me...

I am here, and still needing all of you fabulous friends, I am just going through a crazy phase right now. Pray for me.

The "B" word (not the word you are thinking) :)

That 'B' word. Blame.

We blame our dog for our eaten homework (when we know we didn't do it). We blame traffic for being late (when we know we pushed snooze three extra times). We blame our bank for our short checks (when we know we wrote them knowing we get paid the NEXT day). We blame the ticket on the police (even though we were speeding). We blame the weather on the weather man (come on really?). We blame our neighbor for the leaves in our yard (when we clearly noticed the wind blowing). We blame our crappy childhoods on why we can't be socially acceptable now, (when we really didn't have it that bad as a kid). We blame Tommy for hitting us, (when clearly we pushed him first). Amazing.

I am talking about society in general. Isn't 'blaming' basically lying? Are we not lying in SOMEWAY everyday. My biggest pet peeve is accountability. WHEN are we/teenagers/kids/society/me/you/our husbands/wives/parents going to finally be accountable for our actions?
Flat out say, I am so sorry I was late, I just couldn't get out of bed today. I know why. Self image. We are so worried about what we look like. What people will think of us. Man we are horrible people for hitting snooze. Ok so if hitting snooze makes you look bad to the boss. Why not a simple, "sorry I'm late". I personally think it looks MORE professional to not place ANY blame.
The other day I saw a homeless guy holding a sign that instead of saying "out of work" or "any amount will help" it just said, "I am NOT going to lie. I just want a beer." Do you know that everyone was forking out the dollars? I am not kidding. And people were smiling doing so. It was amazing.
Add honesty, accountability and acknowledgement to your sign and see what it gets you. Probably a lot more than pointing fingers would.

THANK YOU GOD FOR HAVING ME IN THE RIGHT PLACE AT THE RIGHT TIME...(some people's parents)...

So my son wanted to go and spend a couple of days with his Aunt and Uncle and Cousin. Ok. So we finnish up daycare and off we go to drop him off. I am approaching their subdivision and pull over into the left hand turn lane to turn into the subdivision. There is oncoming traffic so I am waiting. I happen to look out my passenger window at a very young boy get out of a white car I was kinda confused because 1. we are on 104th Ave which is VERY busy with traffic. 2. He is so little and is getting out on the drivers side back with traffic zooming by. And 3. Connor (my son said it looked like he was crying. 4. That side of 104th is just a field. I was still waiting on traffic to turn and thought SURELY this kid isn't going to cross 104th to come into this subdivision right?? He looked so small. So I decided to wait. I let a few openings to turn left pass. Just then the white car sped off... I sat there for like 10 seconds in disbelief. I was awakened from my disbelief when asking my son.... did that car just dump that kid? And Connor's response was mom he is crying. I quickly put on my blinker and crossed clear across 104th. I got out of my vehicle and noticed another woman approaching the child also. I reached her before we both reached the child. I learned as we were running for this little boy that she worked for Social Services. She had a badge around her neck. I said, "That car just dumped him and took off!" She then informed me that she didn't see the car but just noticed a boy crying all alone on the side of the road. She rubbed his back and I called 911. Before police arrived, the white car came back. The "dad" started yelling at the little boy, "DID YOU LEARN YOUR LESSON NOT TO THROW A FIT IN THE CAR?" I immediately and VERY loudly lashed out, "YOU CAN NOT DO THAT IN THE STATE OF COLORADO OR ANY OTHER STATE THAT I AM AWARE... THAT IS CHILD ABANDONMENT. I AM LICENSED AND REQUIRED TO REPORT ANY SUSPICION OF CHILD ABUSE OR NEGLECT." The woman who was there with me said, "YEAH I have to report this too." He then was putting this kid into the car and said, "Report what ever you want... I am leaving... You can't tell me how to parent." I said "You are not leaving." He said, " The hell I'm not!" He shut his sons door and went to open his and I stepped in front of his vehicle and all I did was took a picture of his license plate with my iPhone. I then said, "OK, you can leave now," and I stuck my phone in my back pocket and stepped up onto the sidewalk, crossed my arms and stood next to this woman. He said, "That picture isn't going to do shit for you... this isn't my car. I yelled back as he was starting his car,"I am sure who ever that vehicle does belong to knows who you are... I'm not worried." He sped off. A couple of minutes later he came back with a silver car following him. This woman in the silver car gets out and he is pointing to my vehicle. She walks up to my vehicle with him and he takes a picture of my vehicle and this woman writes down my license plate. This pisses me off... like what lie are you going to say or do that is now going to involve me? What ever I blew it off and acted like the better person. Just then an officer pulled up. He approached me first and I told him my story. I gave him the social workers business card, she left because her daughter had a school play but I promised to give the officer her card. Just then this woman approached the officer and said she was the grandmother of the children in the car. The officer said, "I need you to go back over to your vehicle and I will get your side in just a minute." She started to argue about how my side was 'untrue' when the officer raised his voice a bit, " I SAID TO GET OVER TO YOUR VEHICLE and I will be there in a minute." I explained that it was a good 7 to 10 minutes before he came back and that his vehicle had left my sight. He handed me a form told me to write a statement. He then took the business card of the Social worker and approached the other party. The dad was pointing to traffic and saying things I couldn't hear. I pretend to mind my own business but was so easily distracted by this mans bullshit. Just then a blue car pulls next to me and a man in a suit gets out. He walks up to my vehicle and the first officer walks back to my vehicle. The grandmother starts to walk to my vehicle and the officer says, "Mam, you need to stay at YOUR vehicle, I am not going to ask this of you again". She turns around CLEARLY annoyed. I think I may have chuckled on the inside at that point. The man shakes my hand and tells me he is a Detective. The officer goes over "the story" with the Detective. The end of the story was this kids dads part... the officer said he said he went up a half a block and turned around to teach the kid a lesson for acting up in the car. The Detective then said, "LETS say he did only go up a half a block to turn around, that half a block is up and over that hill, (as the Detective is pointing) which means CLEARLY he lost visual of his son on this corner, (and he points back to the corner where the boy had been standing when I saw him to begin with). I then said, it wasn't that short of time however. We, (the social worker and I) had time to park, get to the boy, discuss how we both saw him and I had time to tell her about the vehicle. We had time to discuss how she worked for Social Services and how we both had jobs that required us to report this. We had even comforted the child, exchanged information. The call was placed to 911 and the boy cried next to us the entire time. Then dad came back.... that is not turning around a half a block away. So the Detective said, looks like, Child abuse, Child Neglect, and Child abandonment to me.... I want to talk to the boy. I hear the Detective say to the little boy hey Buddy can I talk to you? Come here little guy! I love your spider man shirt... Do you like Spider man? The little boy INSTANTLY got a smile on his face and started to approach the officer. BUT NOT WITHOUT GRANDMA FOLLOWING. The Detective said, "MOM, I need to talk to your son for a second" She said, "I am not mom, I am grandma, and you are not talking to my grandson without me". The Detective then said, "I am going to talk to your Grandson and you are going to wait by your car. We will be right here." She said, "I am not comfortable with that" He then said, "MAM I AM NOT GOING TO ASK YOU AGAIN, IT WILL NOT END WELL FOR YOU IF I HAVE TO ASK YOU AGAIN." Just then the first officer said, "AND I HAVE ALREADY ASKED YOU TWICE." She was fuming but walked back to her car. The Detective and the little boy walked over to the field and were talking. He was smiling. I couldn't hear what was being said, but my heart broke for this little kid. I did over hear the officer confirm that he was five just as the boy had said he was. FIVE! I have a five year old. She is so small. I can't imagine parenting her like that. Leaving her on the side of 104th? To teach her how to act in a car. Ok lets give your child a fear of abandonment, and TEACH them that when you act bad I am going to leave you. I am going to dump you off in a field where there is TONS of traffic and you are going to watch me leave. I then finished filling out my statement and handed it to the officer in the the squad car. The Detective approached the squad car and the boy was walking back to his dads car. The officer handed me his card with the case number and said they were going to arrest him because he had a warrant for unpaid child support, had been driving without a license and was going to be charged with neglect, abandonment and misdemeanor child abuse. I took the card from him and thanked him. I was told that I was free to go and I got back into my car. As I was reaching for my seatbelt they were walking him to the police car. My heart broke for this child. This dad was GLARING at me. I just gave him one of those sad "Im disappointed in you looks" You know the look like, " I am sorry but it was the right thing to do and you should have known better.... SHAME ON YOU? " Yeah that look and I gave it good. Just before driving away the officer told my kids to be good and that they had a good mommy. I wish I would have asked the officer at that moment, (THIS IS MY ONLY REGRET) to ask the Grandmother to leave with the kid before putting the dad into the cop car. I just sat there for a second wondering what it would be like to watch police officers take your dad away? Would that damage you? Would that make you not 'like' officers? Would he always think that officers are 'bad' guys because they took his daddy? I then started my car and thought... this is most likely a dad whom has already had his feet in the water with police and he probably has already stained his sons thoughts on law enforcement. How sad. Maybe it is because my dad was a cop, that I just have the upmost and highest respect for them and their jobs. Or maybe it is because my dad being a police officer I knew even when I was really little that police officers were 'normal people' who went home to their families at the end of their day. But I remember thinking that my dad was some kind of super hero when I was a kid... he took care of all the bad guys. It made me feel safe. My kids are always told when an officer saves or helps someone or when a fireman carries someone from a burning building or helps people in accidents. I tell them because I want them to know that these are REAL LIFE HERO"S. People whom would not question saving you if they had to. And one child not having that view of a police officer or a fireman (or woman) :) breaks my heart. Damn this dad. I so bad when leaving wanted to say out my window to him, "AND SEE, I can tell you how to parent and it looks like I just did." But instead I thanked God for letting me see the little boy and for being in the right place at the right time... and Thanked God that my children again, got a glimpse of two things. 1. all is not right or perfect with the world (I think that is important for children to know), and 2. HOW BLESSED THEY ARE TO HAVE PARENTS AND GRANDPARENTS AND FAMILY AND FRIENDS THAT LOVE AND CARE FOR THEM AND THAT NO MATTER WHAT, GOOD OR BAD BEHAVIOR WE WILL ALWAYS LOVE THEM AND BE THERE FOR THEM AND NOT LEAVE THEM ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD TO TEACH THEM SOME DUMB LESSON BY USING FEAR AND HATE AS AN EXAMPLE.

about that angry facebook post....

Wow. I was UPSET yesterday. I lashed out at my ex-husband on Facebook like I was in high school or something. The issue we had took me to a place of instant anger, total frustration and stupid tears. But if you know me well, you know that I cry when I am upset or mad. I debated deleting my Facebook post that I was clearly so angry when I wrote but decided not to just because I am still being childish and mad. Here is the issue... I really don't feel that I am over reacting here. But then I am a mom, so let me know your thoughts.
So I am going to set you up for this...
My ex has an anger problem... thus, him being my ex. He has bipolar. He SWINGS from being fine to being massively pissed off in 3.5 seconds. All of this is relevant, trust me. He has a domestic violence charge on his record, (thus being why we are divorced). Ok, so here is the issue...
He called me yesterday and asked me if I would have an issue with him buying our 9 and 14 year old a .22. WHAT????? Guns. You want to buy them their OWN guns?????? I sat there for a second thinking I heard him wrong. Then I somehow NICELY said, Pat, I am going to RESPECTFULLY agree to disagree with you on this one, and I am going to RESPECTFULLY agree to remind you that our divorce papers state that we have to go to mediation if there is a big issue that we both don't agree on. I am also going to Respectfully tell you that I doubt there are very many mediators or judges that would think a nine and fourteen year old need guns, especially if they are not for hunting. If you were taking your 14 year old son hunting my opinion maybe different. Lets just say at that point he flipped his lid. He called me names, he called me closed minded. He informed me that I was teaching my children how to 'lay down and die' instead of teaching them how to stand up and protect themselves. He said the Columbine situation would have never happened had those teachers be able to carry guns at the school. I then said Columbine's issue would have never happened if those kids did not have access to guns. He said if all kids were taught how to use guns and allowed to carry them guns wouldn't be such a big deal. I said PAT, they haven't even gone to a gun safety class, I would think most dads would want to do that first. He then told me that gun safety classes are dumb and can't teach OUR children anything that he couldn't. He also said I was insulting him as a man. At this point I had fire shooting out of my ears and all I said was, "Thats fine Patrick, tell that to the Mediator and maybe they will agree with you" and I hung up the phone. I mean am I over reacting here? I just don't think someone with HIS temper and his record and his anti government kill everyone attitude needs to own a gun let alone have them or use them with his children. I just feel like this is the LAST thing he needs to do or teach my children. He even threw in my face that my dad was a cop and would agree with him. And if Patrick knows anything that pushes my buttons, he knows to use my dad. The MOST honorable, good, kind man I know. AND FYI Pat my dad thinks kids having guns is a BIG NO NO. WHEW. I feel better now. Comment if you feel either way... I would really like to know your thoughts.

Marriage, arguments and God...

Relationships ARE HARD. They are so hard. I think it is so easy for everyone to quit. Divorce is an option to everyone. I have the freinds that will never get married. I have the friends that have been married forever. I have the friends that have been married and divorced several times. I even have the friends that have been married several times and divorced several times and now live with a man and are not going to get marrried because they feel that they have 'been there done that'.
Me myself have been married twice and hope to be married forever this time. But as we all know marriage is hard. Crazy hard. We all know that relationships are not always sunshine and butterflies... yeah, sometimes it is just mud and tornados. The mud covers the sunshine and the tornados rip the butterfly wings clean off their fradgle bodies.
We had a BIG fight Sunday. BIG. Infact I don't think we have ever had a 'fight' THAT big. Mean things were said... and continued to be said (on both sides). It just kept going.... for NO reason other than to keep inflicting pain on that other person. I pulled my mother's famous move the IGNORE button. Which for me is MAJOR because I never shut up. He pulled out that button pusher of foul language (which makes me nuts) which is why he does it... When we went to bed I laid there. Thinking. How dumb. We weren't even mad about what had ORIGINALLY happened. Well kinda I was mad about that. BUT we were PISSED over all the dumb ass drama that occured from that point. Satan found the key to our front door. He had walked right into our marriage. He was almost even welcomed in. When did we begin to allow that? I said mean things to my husband and threw back at him EVERYTHING from his past (like us women do so well sadly) and he threw my religous beliefs in my face which he knew don't mess with MY God. He KNOWS that is my point of heart break. At that moment I broke. This has gotten so low and so ugly and so mean that you are now throwing God into it? That is when I heard God. I mean it... I heard him. He said 'walk away and let it go'.
I always thought it was crazy people saying they 'heard God'. Like what? His voice? Do you actually 'hear' someone talking to you? I think if I heard someone just out of nowhere just start speaking to me I would FREAK out. But it wasn't like that. It was just a KNOWING of what I needed to do. No question. No doubt. No voice. Just a knowing of what at that moment needed to be done. At that moment... Nothing else came from my husbands lips either. NOTHING. I SOOOOO wanted to yell out 'OH GOOD JOB YOU PISSED OFF THE BIG GUY UPSTAIRS' BUT I DIDN'T.... I KNEW NOT TO!
Through out the day he was doing things that would annoy me. I just keep feeling that demand to stay quiet. A few hours later my hubby said, 'WOULD YOU JUST SAY SOMETHING.... YOU ARE FREAKING ME OUT!'
That voice just reminded me NOT YET.
I could see the worry in my hubby's eyes.
I was still mad but could tell I was cooling off.
At this moment (yet again) I debated spending the money we really don't have on a copy of the book LOVE and WAR that McKmama has been talking about lately on her blog. What has happened to our communication skills? When did we give a key to our home to Satan himself? I don't want to be talked to like that. I certainly don't want to become the kind of person who thinks the way I was thinking about my husband. I most CERTAINLY do NOT want my children being raised in a home that there is arguing and ignoring occurring. I DO NOT WANT MY CHILDREN BEING RAISED IN A HOME WHERE SATAN COMES AND GOES AND HE PLEASES. I know I must sound crazy BUT I know how I felt. I remained quiet all day. We went to bed and it was like there was a steel sheet of metal to the ceiling between us. I heard God say 'OK... NOW'.
'YOU REALLY HURT ME WITH YOUR GOD COMMENT.' I said,
HE SAID, 'I KNOW I REALIZED THAT, AND I'M SORRY.'
AND FROM THERE THE CONVERSATION CONTINUED. AND CONTINUED. AND CONTINUED UNTIL MY BIG TOE TOUCHED HIS. I'm still mad. but I am learning to let the little things go. It is JUST SO HARD SOMETIMES!!!

Have you ever been there? Where you just break and give in to an issue because you 'heard' that you should. Where you just hit a point that it flat out isn't worth the argument? I'm just wondering...

NOT ME MONDAY

Welcome to Not Me! Monday! This blog carnival was created by Mckmama. You can head over to her blog to read what she and everyone else have not been doing this week, but here is what I haven't been doing:

I have not done NOT ME MONDAY forever! I am kind of excited!

My kids amaze me. Really they do. It was not me who laughed hysterically at my husband who thought I WAS CRAZY at my thought that my teenage daughter was "getting ready" to sneak out the other night. Why else would we be CURLING our hair at 9:00 at night? Why else would we be going to bed fully dressed? You should have seen the look on her face when I said "why do you have the covers pulled up to your chin? You forgot to pick up your shoes. Please get out of bed and pick up your shoes." She had the biggest "OH CRAP" eyes ever! She pulls down the bedding to her jeans, her shirt, her bra, her socks FULLY DRESSED! I did not yell out, "BUSTED". I did not start laughing and say loudly "SNEAK OUT PATROL ON DUTY TONIGHT!" She was so mad! I thought it was hysterical. She clearly did not. I think I ruined all of her plans. She insisted that she just didn't want to put on PJ's. OK OK she really could have been being lazy we are talking about a teenager, but come on.... I was born at night but it wasn't last night. Well if she really wasn't sneaking out I totally gave away what parents look for! I so did not check to "make sure" she was in bed at 1 AM no not me. My husband DID NOT try and put a barrel of rocks on her window well cover. LOL! I DID NOT laugh at Connor saying he wanted really bad to hide with a ski mask outside the window to scare the crap out of her to make her NEVER EVER leave the house again at night! So needless to say she is mad at me today... and her dad for that matter. Kids crack me up and I would be lying if I said I didn't enjoy it... I don't.. NOPE NOT ME!

Where I want to be.

I see a field of wheat. I am standing in it. It is warm. It is sunny. There is a breeze blowing on my face... I am taking deep breaths, My hands raise with open palms to the sky, thanking God for this day. I can hear my kids laughing in the background. I catch my husbands glance from across the field followed by his smile. I smile back and life is good. The yellow tint from the sun hitting the wheat is making the field look soft and blurry. All is good. God and my family. All. IS. GOOD.


In what life right? What would be normal would most likely be:

I see my front room. I am standing in it. There is no fresh air. I can't breath. My hands fall to the ground as I land on my knees from tripping over the toys that the kids did not pick up. I can hear my kids arguing with each other in the background. I hear my husband yell from across the house, " STOP FIGHTING!" The laundry is needing to be done, the phone is ringing, I have 46 emails I need to reply to. The stack of bills is UNREAL at the moment. The doctor called and the test needs to be redone. My sons lunch box is on the counter and he is already at school. My daughters soccer practice is tonight at 5:30 and I work until 6. I realize I am wearing one black and one blue sock as I go to put on shoes that so don't match my outfit. My toddlers breakfast falls to the floor from his highchair and before I can yell NO the dog has gobbled it all up. Just then the toilet overflows....................

What I just realized... there is only ONE real difference between these two days. Thanking God for my day. I think this one simple thing will make or break our day. It changes our focus. It changes our outcome. It changes the way our day looks and feels in general. Try it. I am amazed at the outcome :)

Directions, (given in one day).

Blessed we are, blessed I am. Add some music to my morning and add my cup of coffee and bring in eight smiling kiddos and I am doing good. I truly love my job! Of course it is stressful. Of course it is hard. But if it wasn't I don't think at the end of the day I would feel like I had accomplished much.

I am seeing things pick up. My husbands work, our finances, my mood :) All of my happiness and positive emotions were held for my daycare day. It took all of my "positive" to do my job well. I had to be "up" for kids, (and let me just say it takes a lot of "up" to do daycare). So at the end of the day I found myself tired, sad, depressed about our current situation and sadly on the weekends finding myself doing NOTHING. Not even going to church.

ONE Sunday at going to church and I feel REFRESHED. I needed it. I think that "one thing" that recharges you, that simply is "for you" we tend to put off first. Because it is for "us". We forget to give to ourselves. For me that "one thing" is clearly the hour and a half that I spend at Flatirons Community Church in Lafayette. One hour. One hour. Made me a better me. Made me a better mom. Made me a better wife. Made me take a deep breath. Made me realize I need to let go of my love affair with being in control. Because at the end of the day, you have NO CONTROL. What happens is going to happen. I am tired of stressing. I am tired of getting upset when things don't go my way, or the way I had planned. It is hard to completely give up control and fly by the seat of your pants. I still have to have a schedule. I mean come on, I have six kids LOLOLOLOL. But instead of my schedule, I call it my plan now. I have a plan. I am just trying to remember that my plan is actually Plan B, that is scheduled around Gods plan A. :) Because his plan, determines mine. I LOVE God's plan for me. I just wish I had a compass to follow it. So because I don't, (have that compass) I realized that it is on Sunday's at church that He has been giving out directions. Ok, ok so we all know that you don't have to be "IN" church to "hear" God's plan for us. But clearly I listen better there. :)

So my last few months of struggling with my son's health, my headaches, our finances and my hubby having no work is all looking up. I know where I am going. I was given CLEAR directions. Directions that were given to me in one day in a time frame of an hour and a half. So I know the road I am on is the right one, (because I listened), and I know the end of my map. I know it's an amazing place. Its all that middle stuff. All those lefts, rights and forks in the road that we call "life". It's hard. Trusting Him is hard. But there is HUGE rewards in doing so. So out the window the schedule goes. In my hands is His Plan A. And I feel so at ease with that!

McNeal household update...

Life is good. Mark has been healthy for about two weeks now, and that is HUGE. I love when we get LONG breaks in him being sick. He gets to be a "real boy", (if that makes sense). He can run and not feel wiped out, He can laugh really hard w/o coughing, he can tackle dad and have the energy to keep playing. I LOVE IT!!! And his eyes, they light up and don't have that "sick" look. But the best is his "I'm feeling well smile". I love it. Two weeks! I know that doesn't seem very long but it really is! As for Jaidyn she is doing well also. She has started Preschool and is LOVING it. She comes home talking about bible stories and what she has learned for the day. It is so cute. It is nice to to have a break at nap time. I hope that doesn't sound selfish but the days she goes to preschool my ENIRE daycare naps and I have two hours to myself, where as before she would have been up. I mean don't get me wrong, I loved my one on one time with her while all the other kids were sleeping, but I was MISSING time for me. Time to read or organize. So I feel selfish in saying it but not selfish in doing it. I have two hours to myself a couple of days a week now. YEAH!!! Maddie is doing well to. School is starting to become a little harder for her. She has been my straight A student forever and all of the sudden FREAKED out when we have a B in math. I just think fourth grade math has started to "catch up" to her. She is doing really well still and school is easy for her. She had her last soccer game and dinner last night. She loves soccer. She is really good at it! Next on the list is Connor. He is doing well, starting to get a teen attitude every now and then but for the most parts holds being respectful in place. He is a bit overwhelmed in school right now being that his school is a VERY demanding school, but he does really well if he stays on top of things, which we (honestly) have to work at sometimes. He is looking forward to baseball which starts very soon! Kali is doing well too. She has been staying with her mom during the week and us with the weekend. She wanted to attend school this year with her mom. Her grades are not what they were when she lived here with us but I don't think that is just Kali. I helped Kali and her learning disabilities A LOT. I don't think you realize how much you were doing for a child or how much tutoring was helping and all the extra help and programs from teachers until you take it away. Kali wanted to go to school out at her moms house. It is a smaller school and I explained to Kali that that doesn't mean it would be easier. I assumed it would be a mistake so we did put in the court arrangement that if her grades fell the next school year she would come back. BUT we gave Kali the benefit of the doubt. She is 14, and is old enough to have a say about where she wants to be and what Kali wants is important to us, we just teach that schooling and your education comes first. I hope she ends on a good note. She is struggling. But her mom is very busy working, going to school and having two young children in addition to kali and she is now having marriage issues. I pray a lot for Kali's mom. I want all to work out for the sake of Kali, and I don't want to be the bad guy. Morgan is doing really well. She has been looking for a job and getting a bit discouraged that she can't find one. I keep telling her there are adults that have college under their belts and can't find work... it is just a really bad economy right now. She is being respectful (GASP) and offering to take her siblings places to spend time with them (????) I wonder what took over in her brain LOL. I am just hoping that 16 is the wind down from the insanity I dealt with from 12 to 15. I am excited to get along with her :) My hubby Steve is doing well. His work is s.l.o.w.l.y. picking up. s l o w l y. But it is picking up (Thank you JESUS)! Our finances will love the work coming in a bit quicker but somehow with FIVE months of now work, we managed to stay above water BARLY. As for me, I am good. I am dealing with really, (REALLY) bad headaches. I have some major Dr. appts coming up that I am hoping will help "find" the issue. I am looking forward to NO HEADACHES FOR ME! So there you have it. The McNeal family update. We are all doing well!

Sick of Sick and Loving my husband while on this coaster.

My children have been sick. My daycare kids have been sick. My husband has been sick. My best friend has been sick. My daycare parents have been sick. My daycare grandparents have been sick. Notes have come home from my kids school that kids are sick sick sick. Everyone I know with children have been posting that they are ready for summer so their kids will stop being sick. A week ago Mark was put on meds for an ear infection and RSV (again). Friday night at Children's Hospital Jaidyn was diagnosed with an upper respiratory infection and an ear infection and put on an antibiotic (that cost us 180.00 because this type of antibiotic was not covered by our insurance and she is allergic to most). And she couldn't hold it down (regardless of eating with it, before it or after it). So the Doctor changed her antibiotic. So basically I get to dump 8 days of antibiotics (180 dollars) down the toilet literally. Anyway somehow through all of this I did not get sick. Until today. My head is pounding, my ears hurt my nose is running and my glands feel like they are the size of potatoes. It sucks to be a mom when you are sick, because all of you mama's know the job does not stop, but add daycare to that. I am dreading my day tomorrow. We ate leftovers tonight and went to bed. I had the entire family even the teens in bed by 7:30. Well the teens were not in bed but in their rooms. They all were so good! I took some pain killers that were left over from my gallbladder attack because my head hurt so bad. I could barley keep my eyes open but my mind starts racing when I laid down. That is what percocet does to me. It makes me wired but tired. How is that even possible? Last night was classic. I wake up to my husband jumping out of bed and go running. I run after him having NO idea what is going on. Apparently he heard Jaidyn throwing up. So he gets her in the tub and cleaned up and I am doing bed duty cleaning the floor and the "trail" to the bathroom that was left just like a bread trail to get back home. Mark heard the noise and woke up soon after. His new thing is if he gets really upset he will throw up from crying. Well I was mid puke session and Steve was showering Jaidyn. I told him hold on Mark, mommy is almost done, when I heard him puke all over too. UNREAL! I stuck him in the tub with Jaidyn changed the crib sheets, it was all in the rails and landed in the box of blocks that was next to his bed. At this point I just started crying. Five months. I have been dealing with (Mark mostly) my kids being sick for five months. My house is clean. We wash our hands. My daycare kids/families are clean and healthy generally. My kids go to a small school so there are WAY less kiddos and germs then there would be at a huge public school. I don't allow sick kids to come to daycare. Kids who get sick at daycare go home. I. DON'T. GET. IT. So the tears came. My poor husband at this point is dealing with two kids in the tub, the smell of sour milk floating through the steamy bathroom, sheets rolled up in the hallway needing to be taken down stairs, the very simple fact that it is 2 in the morning and now that his wife is crying. Funny thing is this same thing happened a few weeks ago. Mark was throwing up from being sick and I just came to tears in the middle of the night when trying to deal with it. He just stood up from kneeling at the tub and hugged me. I remember saying to my hubby "Look at them (meaning my kids), why are they sick all the time? I am sick of sick kids." I added up what we have spent since December on medicine and doctors and and it is 924 dollars. And that does not count the 468 we payed for Dec. Jan. and Feb. just to have the insurance. So I just have to say something about my husband. I love him so much. But I especially love him at two in the morning when he can somehow manage to keep it together while his kids are sick and his wife is emotionally unstable. He loves me so much. He has accepted and understands the fact that I can NOT function at 2 in the morning. I can't. I act like a twelve year old child. I cry. I can't process things. I just can't problem solve and master parenting when my sleep is interrupted. I love that he accepts that. I love that he understands that. I love that we are able to pick up where the other struggles. It was however a little reassuring that today I woke up sick which could have been "PART" of my problem in the middle of the night. So if you read this honey, Thank you and I love you and I appreciate you and I need you, and I adore you and I am blessed to be married to you. And you are an amazing husband and father, (especially at 2 in the morning).

"Adam", your wife is affecting the peace in my heart.

I must just say FIRST that I can't figure out why this is bothering me exactly. It should probably be an OH WELL I TRIED, and give up, but it is bugging me bad. So as you all know, when I am bothered by something I tend to write and write and write. It makes me feel like I have given it up.

Ok so I am going to vent here, and I BETTER hear comments... I really really want to know if I am wrong to be upset about this. I think your life from 14 to 17 is pretty important. It is a huge part of who you become I think. So imagine you have a REALLY good friend. You are a female, and your friend is a male. It is summer and you are about to go into high school and he is going to be a Sophomore when school starts. You hang out all the time. You laugh, You cry, you tell jokes, you talk about music, you hike, you sneak out with friends a teepee a total mean kid (sorry Todd Bailey but you did dump water on me). YOU grow up with this friend, a really good friend. Then one day, you get a boyfriend. And your friend doesn't like him. NOW Me, I thought my friend, (we will call him Adam) wasn't happy because he didn't like football players. Adam thought football players were "players" in the boyfriend/girlfriend department also. Adam didn't think this certain boyfriend was right for me. He came over one day and tried to tell me how he felt. (My cursor is blinking here, I have so much guilt this part is hard) I yelled at him. I was horribly mean to him. Adam was such a good friend and for 3 years had done everything with me and for me. I was MEAN. I told him to get out. I told him to leave, I told him I didn't want to see him again. And he left. Later that year he joined the Marines. I was so proud of him, but to proud myself to tell him anything. My heart ACHED to tell him that I didn't want him to leave, and that I would miss him and that I would write. I was to selfish and self centered to just apologize to him for the way I treated him. So he left. I dated the guys he didn't like, had some great boyfriends. He came back one day out of the blue while he was on leave, and he wouldn't talk. I thought it was because he was still mad at me, maybe it was the Marines. I didn't think the Marines would take your feelings and your emotion and your smiling away. I hugged him and said I was glad he was home. He said he had stopped by to say hello, and that he was leaving again in the Morning. He left, and time went by, and I ended up getting married and having kids. I thought about him a lot. I still do. I mean I hung out with him more than my best girlfriend. So as you can imagine as I got older and had children and taught children the right and wrong way to act, it made me realize (well I knew it was wrong then but) that I needed to apologize to him. I had heard he got married and had children and this made me so happy. I wanted him to have a family. I wanted him to have a wife that could see how amazing he treated women. He was so good. So honest So fair, so fun, so patient, so understanding. I am such an ass. WHY would you treat someone so good to you so horribly? So I decided I had to apologize to feel better and to let it go. I have tried to find him for the last year to just say that. You were amazing to me, I am so sorry I treated you the way I did, you did nothing to deserve that and thank you for making those years so special. You were an amazing friend.
Which brings me to my problem. Facebook is amazing. You find people easily and guess who I found? I was so excited. I sent a friend request with a message. I figured if he didn't accept me as a friend, that would be fine he could at least hear my message. BUT his wife was offended. The message didn't get past her. WHY are women so insecure? I am so happily married. I am NO threat. I live in a different state. I don't want your husband. I would be ok to not talk to your husband ever again. I just want to tell him one thing. DAMNIT why are females like this? Strange thing though... I am (sadly) like her too. WE women are AMAZING warriors at protecting our families. My heart is broke, and for some fricking reason, I can't give it to God, and don't quite know why. Why can't I just let it go and be satisfied with the fact that I tried?